Body image is a strange thing. When you’re morbidly obese, most people (including myself), just wanted to be invisible so it didn’t matter how we treated our bodies, what we fueled them with, or anything like that. It was just this vessel that carted around our brain. It didn’t matter that we stuffed it full of junk, didn’t exercise, or maintain it.
Now that I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight my body image has totally changed, and not always for the better. Depending on the store, product, etc. I’m anywhere from a size 10 to a 14; which is whatever it is. I’m not content with where my current weight is at but that’s a me thing/another issue. When shopping I often still go to the largest size. I wonder if this ever changes? I can no longer shop at Lane Bryant because their size 14 is too large (not a bad problem to have) but I’ve shopped there for so long I don’t know how to shop.
It’s more than shopping though. This past Saturday LR and I went to the Columbus Zoo then to the Olentangy Indian Caverns. There was a passage at the caverns where I looked and told him I didn’t think I would fit. He tugged at my hand and said c’mon Karri. I yanked my hand away, seriously I don’t think I’m going to fit. “Babe how big do you think you are?” Huh. Did he really want me to answer or is it rhetorical? Suffice to say I survived going through the little opening.
I find myself critiquing my body quite often. LR tells me I’m beautiful, pretty, etc. I smile, say thank you but quietly in my head think about all of the excess skin I’m hiding, my flawed skin that’s underneath my makeup, things like that. Body image is just so weird.
This morning as I was laying in bed before my alarm was set to go off, I looked down at my body and thought (seriously) it looks as though my body is melting. Eww. My upper arms melting into the bed, my stomach melting into the sheets. No one tells you that after weight-loss surgery still hating and hiding your body is totally normal. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t change having the surgery even on my darkest days because I am SO much healthier but there are still major uphill battles.
I just keep coming back to body image is weird. It’s also not going to magically change when you lose weight.