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Self hate. Why do we do it? Why do we compare ourselves to the models in the magazines when we all obviously know the photos have been airbrushed. Why do we let a sidelong glance from another women make us question our shoes, outfit, hair, makeup, or even weight? Why are we so wrapped up in “beauty” that we don’t even know what true beauty is anymore? Why? I get it. I subscribe to those magazines too, knowing that I can never attain that “standard of beauty.” But why?

I’m guilty of all of these things. But what I’m the most guilty of is self-hatred. Yep. I’m my own worst enemy and my harshest critic. My weight has been going crazy over the past couple of years, I lost nearly 100 pounds ended up dating a great guy we were a super lazy couple, broke up and I’ve gained everything back. EVERYTHING. So to say that I’m struggling is an understatement.

Tonight I went to a bariatric support group meeting with a friend of mine. Next week I’m going to an informational seminar. I’ve been reading books, blogs, and everything I can on the subject. I haven’t decided if it’s totally right for me or if I’m going to try to give it the old “college try” again and do it my way. Which let’s face it really isn’t working all that well for me.  I just want whatever I decide to be a well educated and well informed decision.

I’m walking the Color Run on August 16 and I’m pretty freaking terrified. I signed up thinking it would motivate me to shed weight. It did not. So now I’m going to give it my all to walk the 3.1 miles as a morbidly obese person. Don’t let me fool you, I totally tried to see if there was a way that I could get out of this (no). So now I’m in it. My goal for next year is to complete a couple different “color runs” in difference cities, perhaps the year after that I’ll take on the Warrior Dash.

I have to get healthy, I don’t have a choice. I finally was able to get into a primary care doctor – I’m pre-diabetic and have elevated cholesterol. I’m 32 years old. I have to change I don’t have a choice.