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Fair warning this post is going to be all over the place. I’ve been a bit of a mess lately. Eating has been okay at best. Exercise went completely out the window. I was going to get up and go to the gym this morning however I’m 99% sure that I’ve sprained my foot. Ugh. I feel like I’m at my wits end with trying to get healthy.

My current BMI is 55.5 which puts me into the bracket of super morbidly obese. That’s devastating to me. Being overweight is something I have always battled. I was on numerous steroids as a child to help combat asthma so that definitely didn’t help. But I never grew up with great eating habits. Like a lot of families our celebrations centered around food. It’s not even that I’m a candy junkie by any means but often times I don’t get a full feeling until I’m near the point of feeling as though I’m going to throw up. When I had lost 80 pounds a couple of years ago I was finally understanding that full feeling and slowly getting used to it, now that I’ve gained back all of that weight it’s gone. The past few weeks have had weeks of great eating coupled with fast food, skipping dinner for functions then eating weird snacks to couple with unintentionally skipping meals. I just can’t get it together lately.

Emotionally I’m a mess. I went to Cleveland this past Friday to meet up with a friend I hadn’t seen in years. He’s a touring musician, as most of my friends are (which doesn’t help the emotional/friend issues I deal with), but he was talking about how each show is like a birthday party – people celebrate, party, then it’s over and you’re left with a low of sorts. I nodded, understanding what he meant to a point. We spent hours catching up, my sister and I drove back to Toledo and crawled into bed at nearly 5am…I spent my Saturday evening watching The Great Gatsby, and  a TV show about past life regression – it was then I realized the low he was talking about. I had this epic emotional high getting to spend time with a good friend then it was gone. No one was around to text, a couple of friends were dealing with their own issues so I didn’t want to bother. I felt horribly alone and sad. My time with my friend made me feel loved, happy, truly cared for. The rest of the weekend I felt defeated.

I know that losing weight isn’t going to instantly make me happy or “fix” the emotional issues I deal with but it’ll help. A lot of my emotional issues stem from my weight. I also know it is not instantly going to happen. I’ve tried the “magic” pills, shakes, fad diets, etc. I’ve been there. So I’m going to continue tracking points on the Weight Watchers system (even though I’ve unsubscribed to the actual site), I’m also going to do a bit of research into the Atkins diet. I’ve had a few Facebook friends find success with cutting out carbs. I’m also going to re-read the Dolce Diet that Ben from church recommended. I figure the more knowledge I can arm myself with perhaps the most I can conquer being super morbidly obese.

I can’t give up. Giving up is allowing myself to be consumed by food and I know it will lead to my death. I refuse to give up.